Queen of Clubs

Your poetic words or ideas.

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Queen of Clubs

Postby Rybo75 » Mon Feb 28, 2011 10:26 pm

I caught that look you threw my way,
then you watched me smiling back,
and every time our eyes met time stood still

try to find the words that may,
take you home tonight,
but deep inside I know I never will

I’d love to walk across to you and ask you for a dance,
Then I’d take your hand and lead you to the floor
And in my imagination, I would say ‘lets get some air’
Then together we would step towards the door.

cos the girl has got me crazy,
though I never got her name,
but in my sleep I’m calling out for her,

I never heard her voice and yet,
She’s singing in my dreams,
A melody that slowly fills the air,

but looking back and wishing, I had swept you off your feet,
and slowly rode my horse into the sun,
knowing that my life would always be so incomplete,
should’ve held your hand and told you ‘you’re the one’

but a memory of you my dear,
as small as it may be,
is enough to light up each and every day.

And looking back I swear its true,
Regret, it fills my soul,
And I wish I never turned and walked away.

I’d love to walk across to you and ask you for a dance,
Then I’d take your hand and lead you to the floor
And in my imagination, I would say ‘lets get some air’
Then together we would step towards the door.


I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS GOOD OR BAD. THANKS.

RYBO75.
Rybo75
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Re: Queen of Clubs

Postby allmost » Sun Mar 06, 2011 12:03 pm

:think:

Nice one Rybo75, though in places your use of past and present seems strange here ?
I would think an improvement maybe could be,
"I wish I’d walked across to you and asked you for a dance"
Could make a good song.

:think:
AllMost

a good song is a memory anchor
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allmost
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Re: Queen of Clubs

Postby Rybo75 » Sun Mar 06, 2011 1:18 pm

Thanks for your comments, I see what you mean about past and present, although it was slighlty deliberate. I was trying to conjur up an image of someone looking back wishing they had done something differently, but playing it over in their memory as it was at that time, thus making it present time.

maybe it didn't work, it's good to know what the reader gets from it, because once you have written something you can only see the way you intended it to be seen.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Rybo75
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Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:38 am


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