two I wrote today

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two I wrote today

Postby enigma » Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:16 pm

Heres two more that I wrote today.

Worlds.

Close your eyes my child,
lay down your heavy head,
let the darkness comfort you,
while the moon guards your bed.

What do you wish my child,
what experience do you want tonight,
your ultimate fantasy,
your most dreaded fright,
leave your world, come to mine.

Welcome to my home child,
where your rules do not apply,
meet anyone, be anything,
fight a battle, learn to fly,
in my care there is no harm.

Whatever happens tonight, child,
do not stray from me,
for others live in my world,
as you can clearly see,
trust in only me, my child.

you must now leave, my child,
for it is fast becoming dawn,
the dream must end here,
your body you must rejoin,
AWAKE, to another day.


My Love Dove

I saw a dove yesterday,
it cooed me from a tree,
I turned to look,
and there she was,
looking back at me.

I gave a little whistle,
seeking a reply,
she flapped her wings,
and shook her head,
then looked me in the eye.

She wore a lovely outfit,
with a collar round her neck,
she looked so proud,
shone like silver,
and dirt, not a speck!

I took a big step forward,
and I swear to god she frowned,
I took three more,
turned my back,
and sat upon the ground.

I heard her delicate feet patter,
followed by a soft coo,
turned to my left,
and there she was,
sat on the ground too.

I gave another whistle,
and she looked up at me,
She stood up proud,
and danced on over,
then sat upon my knee.

For seven hours longer,
We sat under that tree,
Me quietly listening,
Her gently purring,
a soft, sweet melody.

The time was now very latem,
I now had to go,
so I picked her up,
and placed her on a branch,
then thanked her for the show.

She clapped her wings angrily,
then strutted up and down,
I apologised,
and turned away,
and left there with a frown.

For what seemed to be eternity,
Her cooing I could hear,
I must have been a mile away
when her cooing stopped,
which drew from my heart, a tear.

I could not sleep last night,
whilst wrapped up in my bed,
for the song she sung,
that silver lady,
resounded in my head.

So today I returned to her,
only to find her dead,
not a mark on her,
and not a drop of blood,
to tarnish her sweet proud head.

I realised as I sat there,
what she sang to me,
She asked me to hold her,
to not leave her alone,
for She was lonely you see.

So my pretty little love dove,
I see your love was true,
though you died of heartache,
loneliness, and despair,
I will always love you.
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Postby Colin » Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:09 am

:smile:

Two nice poems Enigma, and I especaiily like your My Love Dove. Well done.
Colin ho
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Postby John A Silkstone » Tue Aug 21, 2007 9:47 pm

Hello Enigma,

Your first poem I found very disjointed and hard to take in. However, the second was good but could do with a bit of a rewrite.

If you want I will give it a critique and point out one or two small mistakes.

When you are writing, be it a poem or a short story, always use the best words you can.

Silky
Though retired, I'm still working as an editor for a poetry/short story magazine.
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thx

Postby enigma » Sun Aug 26, 2007 12:43 pm

Would very much appreciate your help, go ahead an let me know how to improve it, thanks
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Postby John A Silkstone » Tue Sep 04, 2007 7:32 am

Hello Enigma,

A very good poem which I like very much.

Always use all upper case or all lower case to start your lines, but never both. Sometime its better to remove odd words and the poem will flow better.

Don’t forget, these are only my interpretations and as the poem is yours, then only you have the right to alter it.

Silky


My Love Dove

I saw a dove yesterday,
it cooed me from a tree,
I turned to look,
and there she was,
looking back at me.

I gave a little whistle,
seeking a reply,
she flapped her wings,
and shook her head,
then looked me in the eye.

She wore a lovely outfit,
with a collar round her neck,
she looked so proud,
shone like silver,
and dirt, not a speck!

I took a big step forward,
and I swear to god she frowned,
(god should have a capital G and replace the comma with a ; to keep the flow)
I took three more,
turned my back,
and sat upon the ground.

I heard her delicate feet patter,
followed by a soft coo,
turned to my left,
and there she was,
sat on the ground too.

I gave another whistle,
and she looked up at me,
She stood up proud,
and danced on over,
then sat upon my knee.

For seven hours longer,
We sat under that tree,
Me quietly listening,
Her gently purring, (Cats purr pigeons coo, so cooing would be better)
a soft, sweet melody.

The time was now very latem, (should this be late?)
I now had to go,
so I picked her up,
and placed her on a branch, (Remove the word and at the begining)
then thanked her for the show.

She clapped her wings angrily,
then strutted up and down,
I apologised,
and turned away,
and left there with a frown.

For what seemed to be eternity,
Her cooing I could hear,
I must have been a mile away
when her cooing stopped,
which drew from my heart, a tear. (Change heart to eye)

I could not sleep last night,
whilst wrapped up in my bed,
for the song she sung,
that silver lady,
resounded in my head.

So today I returned to her, (Remove the word so.)
only to find her dead,
not a mark on her,
and not a drop of blood,
to tarnish her sweet proud head.

I realised as I sat there,
what she sang to me,
She asked me to hold her,
to not leave her alone,
for She was lonely you see. (By placing a dash – between the words lonely and you, will give a longer pause and emphasize the last two words. Plus why the capital S for she?)

So my pretty little love dove,
I see your love was true,
though you died of heartache,
loneliness, and despair,
I [u]will[/u] always love you.
Though retired, I'm still working as an editor for a poetry/short story magazine.
John A Silkstone
Royal Poet
 
Posts: 130
Joined: Wed Jun 16, 2004 6:02 am
Location: Gainsborough

thx

Postby enigma » Wed Sep 05, 2007 3:24 pm

Thx very much silky, its help like this I signed up for
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Location: Grimsby


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